My Mother’s day, Meloncholy but fair and shifting

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I got to spend the day with my family of birth on my mother’s side, a very special friend who is like a sistar but so much more, and finally my wonderful husband. Just like Mother’s everywhere celebrating their awesomesauceness.

For me though, this mother’s day and every one since 2008 has been a little sad. I am a Mother quite true, a mother of 7, to be exact!

A birth mother to one, Michael (25)– He taught me no matter what you are never ready for what God has in store and He gives you what you need so you can overcome and do better next time, My experience with my son has made me want o be the best mother I can be and do better than yesterday.

A step-mother to three, Isaiah (26), Christian (21) & Gavanni (11) -They taught me you don’t have to be a birth mother to love someone else’s children like your own, all you can do is love their wounds and hope everything turns out for the best and always be there and if it hurts, remember, It’s not me they are mad at……

And an earth mother to 3 Angel Babies, Divina Angelica 7/12/08, Sebastian Otilio 5/9/12 and Joy Anastacia Montero 1/21/15– They taught me that you can love someone so much and not know them but love the idea and the possibility of what they could become.

I am the mother of SEVEN! By birth, by marriage & and through death… I am a MOTHER of SEVEN!

Anyone who knows me all I want is to mother and nurture you to the point of smotherfuckerness, I know who I am and I love deeply, wildly passionately. I see the best in everyone and want the best for everyone but I have also discerned who far I will get involved. I don’t have time for fake, selfish, thoughtless self-absorbed people. I want people in my life who want to get to know me, who I am and what I love. People judge every moment when they have no business pointing any fingers and then refuse to talk about the elephant in the room. I am bringing this up because loss affects everyone and when people don’t talk things can get miscommunicated and instead of support there is division. In my most recent past I have had experiences of discerning who would stay in my life and who couldn’t be there until they respected my personal boundaries.

The hardest part of that was sticking up for myself, This Mother of Seven!

Right now, though I want to talk about my last 3 babies, the ones that no one acknowledges or thinks about, or even knows about but I think about them, they grew in my belly even if it was for short time, I knew them, I wanted them. I would like to introduce my three children that are with God/dess now and tell their stories.

With Divina Angelica I had a miscarriage, I didn’t know that I was pregnant. I went 19 years without an oopps or an UTOH, I thought I couldn’t have any more babies… Then there I was pregnant and having a miscarriage. No way to stop it, just had to let it happen. No one to talk to, because my baby was less than the criteria recognized as be “a baby”, they treated her like nothing but she was my baby and I was devastated and for months years after I couldn’t shake her wondering what she would have been like wondering if she had daddy’s beautiful lips and my eyes and curly hair….

Sebastian Otilio, well I thought I had kidney stones and went to the ER. Upon further investigation, I found that I was pregnant again, Mother’s day week to be exact, only this time I was in so much pain because the pregnancy was ectopic. The difference between miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies is that miscarriages just happen you start bleeding. With an ectopic if you are bleeding you are in a bad way and it is life or death. I had to choose to end my pregnancy with methotrexate so I didn’t have a fallopian rupture and die. So me or my baby, me or my baby, what do you choose? It doesn’t really matter… What matters is that I had to choose. Miscarriage would have been so much easier than choosing to end your baby’s life so you could life. Once again I didn’t know I was pregnant but it was out of my hands. All the while having to act normal, having to act sane, not sad like nothing was wrong, no one knew about my second little miracle and just as quick as I knew of him he was gone.

Joy Anastacia, this time we knew and she was welcome, we were happy and I knew true joy for the first time in my life and that is what her gift to me was. A little dream come true but I knew there was a chance that since my last pregnancy was ectopic, I had a 15% chance of being at risk for another but I just prayed, hoped and wished for a different outcome. I went for my ultrasound, to find out viability and there was healthy living baby with a heartbeat in my fallopian tube, feeling quite nice. So here I am once again, I have to choose me or my baby. Methotrexate wasn’t an option, as I was too far in my pregnancy, so along with a fallopian tube, went my baby. I had asked the surgeon to be as kind as possible during removal so that I could bury my baby and make sure to let who ever needed notifying to do what needed done so I could have her. I didn’t get to mourn my first two. Only my husband, My AMAZING Doula, a few close people knew. It was this secret that we didn’t talk about just suffered in silence, this pain this grief this loss.

I had dreams that I was screaming please look at my baby can’t you see her isn’t she beautiful…. and nobody would look at her. I would just cry and cry. My heart was breaking and no one knew. Facebook is such an amazing social experiment. It really shows you the true nature of people and how they value you as well as others. After this last miscarriage I realized who were really my friends or really cared. The common thread of thoughtful people, they didn’t know I had lost a child but they knew something was wrong by what I posted. I got messages and phone calls of support and kindness “I don’t know what’s going on but if you need me I am here type stuff” and some were so self-absorbed that they didn’t notice, still haven’t called and are wondering why we are no longer “friends” When I care for someone I pay attention and this was a hell like no other and the grief I felt the third time around was beyond anything I can ever explain.

As life never leaves us without guidance, I just happened to be taking a perinatal bereavement course when I underwent surgery and that helped me process this heartbreaking event but also helped come to peace with the first two children that I lost. I was able to honor them and put into perspective so many feelings of guilt, grief and shame. I allowed myself to be heartbroken, to talk about it to tell people but this is the first time that I am sharing my story with the world.

I had so many feelings and I felt so alone. Was I a mother or wasn’t I? People say all kinds of cruel things trying to be helpful. They are in better place, God has his reasons. None of that mattered, I wanted my babies with me and I didn’t have any of them. So learning what my rights were and what I needed to do to honor myself and my family proved invaluable. I am a doula also, so this experience helps me be able to help mothers in unfortunate circumstances and if I can support a woman through one of the most difficult times one can have in their life and help a women process her pain and fell like she isn’t losing her mind heart and soul in one shot it was all worth it. No one would should suffer in silence. So often we wait to tell people we are pregnant because miscarriage is so common. There we are holding our breath, praying for our miracle and when it doesn’t take you are devastated. Then comes the blame what did something I do cause this? What could I have done different.

This was the most eye opening experience as a mother ever experience whether – 7 weeks, 17 weeks, 25 weeks, or 40 weeks, they are our babies, our babies and when we lose a child it is heart wrenching debilitating and life altering. Remember you don’t have to suffer alone – ask for help, talk about your loss and seek support. Thank you for listening.

I AM A MOTHER OF SEVEN!

Please feel free to comment below or message me! I am always available to speak on this topic.

Love Light & Bright Blessings from my heart to yours!

Ama’ritday

Miscarriage and grief resources –

http://shopelizabethministry.mybigcommerce.com/miscarriage-delivery-aid-plus-burial-set-small/

http://miscarriageblankets.blogspot.com/

Bereavement Webinar Series

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/05/08/404913568/people-have-misconceptions-about-miscarriage-and-that-hurts?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20150508

http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1556-4-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-miscarriages.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-toalson/miscarriage-the-grief-that-we-cant-talk-about_b_6542852.html